A little less than a week ago, I thought I was going to die. I had been nauseous and with a migraine all day, and then, late at night, my left arm started going numb. I ended up spending all of Saturday night/Sunday morning at the ER. And I thought to myself, "This could be it. I didn't even see it coming".
I guess I've always assumed that I would be... older.. when truly confronted with my mortality. And it's not that I've never thought about my death; I might think about it more often than most people. I guess I've always imagined myself welcoming death, embracing it, even. But here I was, potentially about to die, and I realized, I wanted to live.
I didn't just want to live. I needed it. All of those big, philosophy 101, words that I loved to write or think about, I was living them, feeling them. Words like: self-actualization, purpose, destiny. I was talking to god, to existence, to some other, and emphatically saying, "I want to live; this isn't it for me".
To realize this, was a big deal for me. I haven't always wanted to live. 5 years ago, there was a time where I couldn't stop thinking about killing myself. As I waited on the subway platform, I would look down at the train tracks and think to myself, "What if I jump now?" I would tease myself, torture myself, thinking about my cowardice, my incompetence. I felt absolutely empty and detached from the world.
Things have changed. Maybe I'm an anti-Buddhist, but it seems to me I've spent the last few years truly forming and building attachments, rather than letting them go. Sometimes it's to my own detriment, as I greedily seek out attention, love and praise, when I don't necessarily need it. But, usually, it feels like living. Feeling loved and appreciated is fucking awesome. Loving and appreciating yourself? THE BEST. Because with this sense of competence, comes a sense of purpose. I am almost euphoric as I type this: I have a purpose. I want to advocate change, within me, around me. I want to be actively involved in this, whatever this is.
I used to think that death would come to me when I was ready. I realized this weekend that wasn't the case, necessarily. Death could come at any minute, and more likely than not, I won't be expecting it. As you read this, you might be thinking, "Yeah, that's what people say", or "Yeah, that's one of those truths that is said about life". But I want you to really feel it and live it. Mortality is not just some word you read about it. It's a fact. It's your fact. And it might be all you can hang on to.
